Addiction is a Decision

My Journey Through Drug Abuse

Alcohol and Narcotic's Anonymous, with their 12 step program, serenity prayer and meetings have come to dominate the alcohol and drug addiction spectrums. Their message is simple, addiction is a disease. An alcoholic or addict must come to terms with this concept, accept they are powerless over the situation and look to their higher power and other members of the fellowship for support to help keep them sober and drug free. Everything about their program and other similar drug rehabilitation programs street the fact that in order to gain sustained sobriety an addict or alcoholic must give up alcohol and drugs forever, because they are hopelessly addicted to these substances and nothing will ever be right in their lives due to their addictions, which they term a disease, that can never be cured.

If that is what it takes for some people, or most people to conquer their demons, then more power to them. But I think it's a copout. Since the advent of AA and NA, a whole industry has emerged around and them and now we have addicts in all forms and fashions- sex addicts, video game addicts, sugar addicts, caffeine addicts, workout addicts, workaholics, Internet addicts, adrenaline junkies- tailormade for countless programs geared to help them with their addictions. The list goes on and on. As a former alcoholic and drug addict myself, now drug and alcohol free for 11 years, I have come to realize that my addictive personality isn't a disease. Its not a medical condition or defect that I inherited that can be controlled or corrected by a medical procedure.

Its just the way that I am, a trait that I possess, like being smart or athletic or musical, due to my genealogy. Just like being bald or having curly hair, hardworking or lazy, big or small, tall or short, intelligent or stupid, loyal or a Judas. There are a lot of stupid people in the world and stupidity isn't considered a medical condition. Some people hit the genetic lottery and some people don't. That is why we have famous actors and world class athletes and Nobel Laureates. And it comes down to the fact that some people are risk takers and some are not. Some people are reckless and some are cautious. Thats just each persons genetic makeup. The traits that make us who we are and not one of these traits are considered a medical condition.

This leads me to the belief that addiction is a decision. No one is twisting anybody's arm and forcing them to take drugs or drink alcohol. Each individual person makes a decision to take a drink, take a hit, snot a line or shoot up some dope. It’s a very calculated and conscious decision. Everything is thought out and preplanned. No one plans cancer or hepititas. When you're going to score some drugs or buy some alcohol you know what you are doing. It’s not a disease that makes you do it. The whole disease concept is a cop out. And this cop out has started a trend, now you can be addicted to anything and it’s not your fault.

Because if you have a disease then you are not to blame. What happened to taking responsibilities for your actions? Why play the blame game? I think people who are reckless and risk takers are more prone to making the decision to abuse drugs. But at the same time they are the same people who will be on the frontline in a war or who will run into a burning building to save people. Doing something without regard for your own health or safety is the sign of a risk taker and that is not a disease, it’s a trait.

I am not saying a person can't become physically addicted to certain drugs, because that is a proven medical fact that alcohol and other drugs, like heroin, when taken everyday for periods of time, can cause withdrawals and all sorts of other symptoms, when they aren't taken. That is what drugs do, get you dependent on them. But its the same with anything you ingest. If you keep eating sugar or drink coffee  your body will crave the sugar and caffeine. The same with cigarettes and nicotine. The withdrawals won't be as violent or make you sick, but there is a big difference between heroin and coffee. At the end of the day you are the one who chooses to put something in your body. You are the one who chooses to shoot heroin or drink coffee or smoke a cigarette. That is the plain and simple truth. No one is putting a gun to you head.

The thing with treatment is if it helps you than go for it. Some people need the structure of a 12 step program to get their addiction in check. But for me it all comes down to the fact that if you want to do drugs or drink alcohol than you are going to do it. Some people are just self-destructive by nature. I know in my case I was very self-destructive and the only thing that saved me and let me get a hold of my addictions was age and a 25 year federal prison sentence for drugs. And in doing this time I have come to accept that everything I did was my decision. I can't blame anyone else, or blame my actions on a disease, or say addiction runs in my family, that I am genetically disposed or its heredity.

All that is an excuse. The only person responsible for the decisions I made is me, period. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and a criminal. But now I choose not to drink, I choose not to do drugs, I choose not to commit crimes. That is the difference, my decision not to partake. It took a long time for me to see it this way, but now that it's clear I can look back in retrospect and see why I am the way I am.

But like I said before I am not knocking anything that can help anyone wrestle with their demons. For whatever reasons we all have our problem and we all deal with them in a certain way. What works for me might not work for you, that is another decision we all have to make for ourselves. Some like me, channel our anger and frustration into positive pursuits. Some go the escapism route and use drugs and alcohol. Some watch TV, or workout, or work endless hours of the day. I know I used drugs for a long time to kill my pain but now I choose not to use drugs.

I channel my anger and frustrations and pain and use it to focus on constructive and positive pursuits. I regulate my negative and destructive self-talk and when I am feeling like I am ready to go off the deep end or jump off that proverbial cliff, I slow down and back off and replace my negative thinking with more positive thoughts. I make a conscious decision not to go down the path I have gone down so many times before. The path that leads to drugs and alcohol and destructive. In reality its an easy decision to make.

That is why I say addiction is a decision. You can have initial assessments, treatment planning, individual, group and family counseling all you want. You can study and track your patterns of use, your periods of sobriety, your response to treatment and your overall progress toward the goal of staying clean and sober but if you don't make the decision not to use, none of it will matter. In AA and NA they say you have to hit rock bottom before you are ready for the 12 step program. That is all well and good, but in reality, to stop using drugs and alcohol all you have to do is make a conscious decision to say no to your addiction. It’s about priorities and for a lot of so called addicts, their priority is getting high and getting drunk. They want to party and live that life, that is hwy I say addiction is a decision. Until they change their priorities, their life will continue on in the same fashion.

The recklessness that a drug addict or alcoholic portrays has nothing to do with a disease and everything to do with the persons mental state. If you don't respect yourself, how can you respect other people? If you don't care about your life or yourself, how can you care about anything? To me holding onto your addictions is a very selfish and self centered thing to do. I know for me I was so wrapped up in my own little narcissistic view of life and everything that was happening to me that I couldn't see clearly. I blamed everyone else for what happened to me. I blamed everyone but myself for my addictions and self destructive behaviors. I was so caught up in my own little selfish worlds and wants and desires that there was no way I could see what was really going in in my life, thus my addiction. It was my decision and in making it, ignorance was bliss.

The reality of it was that I hated myself, I hated who I was and how I acted and in taking drugs I tried to destroy myself because I didn't care about myself. It was a vicious cycle of self destruction, not a disease. I had to learn to become comfortable with who I am and to change things about myself that I didn't like. My recovery has been all about my decisions to change, not in accepting that I have a disease. It’s been a process of learning who I am and becoming comfortable with that person.

When I finally decided to hold myself accountable and take responsibility for myself and for my actions I came to the decision that I didn't want to be an alcoholic and a drug addict and a criminal. This is why I stress, addiction is a decision. All you have to do is decide otherwise and grab control of your life and live alcohol and drug free. Its a life choice. You can't decide to not have cancer or diabetes. When you make the decision to be assertive with yourself and stop blaming others or a manufactured disease for your problems than you are ready to make the right decision and stop using and abusing drugs and alcohol.